Hemp City Blues
by CharismaPoison
Summary: Something I wrote as a challenge for my original Nephilim/Faerie character that has many different crossovers besides Jay and Silent Bob, but also elements from RuPaul, the Friday movies, Labyrinth and more, all based around mary jane. It was lame but I won second place in the contest for it at least xD


This was strange, more so than usual even for her as she opened her eyes and tried to get a sense of what in the Hell was going on. The last thing that Destiny Rosewood remembered was sitting on the couch at Malcolm Fade's warlock party where they had been smoking a substance that made her a bit lightheaded and hungry. The half Unseelie Fae, half Nephilim had never been been exposed to this strong smelling herb that so many seem to be enjoying as she had watched a strange movie starring a mundane by the name of Ice Cube and involving the day of Friday. It had been a bit odd really, her blur eyes taking in the scene as she began to feel herself relaxing more and more as the moments passed her by. She had begun to feel tired which was the reason that she had closed her eyes in the first place, rubbing the scars at the tops of her ears as she did so where the scars she'd had since the age of two were, thoughts of why they were there running through her head. She hadn't even felt herself drifting off as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back, taking in a deep breath ad her stomach began to rumble a bit.

She was laying on a bed of grass as she sat up, blinking her eyes and trying to take in the scene around her with a slight frown, it easy obviously Los Angeles still as she pushed herself to her feet while a man walked out. "I'm only going to ask you once lady, please stay off my grass!" He said angrily, much to her surprise that a mundane could see her without placing a rune on herself that would render her visible to the naked eye. She merely walked onto the sidewalk, an eyebrow raised as she reached for her stele to find that it was no missing, much to her surprise. For that matter, her seraph blades were missing and she had no weapons on her at all, a fact that almost made her feel vulnerable entirely. Still, her natural curiosity was at an all time high and she wanted to know what was going on as a squeaky wheel caught her attention, finding an overly large man on a bike heading towards an area where she was. She turned, seeing two men on a porch pulling off anything of value to hide from whoever this man was, tilting her head to the side as she did so. She stood there, watching from the side lines as another voice caught her attention and made her turn to see a man in a yellow jacket standing the there with a chubbier man beside him.

"Snootchy bootchy bitches," the blonde one said as he meandered down the street drawing attention to himself, looking over at her and licking his lips while sauntering over to her. "Damn girl, you are banging hot, what say you ditch these Compton crunkheads and leave here with a real man like myself and my silent man partner here," he said, his attention entirely on her as he said this. Destiny tilted her head to the side, this was just getting weirder by the moment and she had to wonder what rabbit hope she fell down to end up in Compton with a bunch of weird stoner boys. This was surreal, even for a woman that dealt with facing down demons for a living, and she knew it, there was something that had brought her here and she just wanted to go home. "Heeey, Earth to hotness, I know I am overwhelming and all but you could say something instead of standing there like there's something fucking wrong with you."

Her attention diverted back to him, she knew her gaze must be bewildered as she cleared her throat but the words wouldn't seem to come out, she wasn't sure what to say to all of this as the two men from the porch sauntered over. "What the fuck wrong with you white boy, fine girl like this need a man," the taller one said as the other rolled his eyes. There was obviously some sort of turf war coming along and she knew she wanted no part in that as she rubbed her temples. "Besides, you in the wrong neighborhood boy, get up outta here."

It was more apparent than ever that a fight was getting ready to brew between the four men, so Destiny knew it was time to get the hell out of there. "I'm just trying to find my way home, end of story, and I need to get out of here because of it," she said, as she looked at each of them in turn. She was about to go on as a massive shaking came under all of their feet, the street slipping away to reveal a golden road beneath their feet, and a large black man in drag with his hands on his hips looking absolutely fabulous.

"Girl, to get home you gonna have to go down this golden brick road to the Drag City to meet the Queen of Hemp City, she's the only one that can help you get home. You four gonna have to take her there, there are top many dangers ahead that she needs to face before you get there, just tell them that Latrice Royale sent you and you won't have any problems getting there at all. Now get on your way and be sure to sashay down that golden runway," the drag queen said with a wink and a head shake of her wild hair before she disappeared, leaving the five wanderers there to wonder what in the hell that had meant. The five looked at one another and gave a shrug before they started on their way down the golden road as they had been told, sashaying along the way while exchanging names of Craig, Smokey, Jay, Silent Bob, and Destiny, waiting to see what dangers might unfold before them as they walled along their way.

They had walked a long way before they came to a bakery that was offering the best brownies in town, free samples sitting there for all to try and each one took a bit to put something in their empty stomachs before hearing the cackle of a man sitting in a tree. "Such a pity you didn't read the label, you each owe me something of value now, or you will face the consequences for eating that brownie bite," he said, his goblin teeth pointed as his frosted hair fell around his face. He ran a crystal orb over his hand with ease, waiting to see what rhein choices would be indeed. It didn't tale long for Smokey to tell the Goblin King to fuck off and before he knew it his body took the shape of a pit bull that was hell bent of catching his own tail in order to eat it. Craig was the next to refuse, a metallic shine coating his body and making it hard to move, an oil can falling at his feet as the King looked once more at the last two men. Without warning, Jay's golden locks turned to straw as Silent Bob took of the form of a humanoid lion before the Goblin King looked next at Destiny.

"I've nothing of value to give you," she said firmly, watching the man in the too tight pants hop down to stand in front of her while the four men behind her complained about their looks and argued amongst themselves about how good the weed in the brownies must have been to have had this happen. The next thing Destiny knew, the scene around them rippled as if they were surrounded by water, and soon she found herself within a ballroom dressed in a black gown that complimented her figure and runes perfectly while the Goblin King stood before her. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her close into a waltz and she found herself lost in his beautiful eyes as he swayed her around the ballroom floor, his hands on her waist as they found the rhythm of the music running through them. This wasn't right, she knew, she had to get home but this was just so relaxing. Aside from feeling a major case of the munchies, she was so laid back that she could just sway in Jareth's arms for the entire evening and never let go again. "No, no this is wrong, I have to get back to the Los Angeles Institute and find out what is going on there, I have to leave," she murmured, giggling as Jareth tried to hold into her before she managed to get away and run to the mirror walls of the ballroom.

There looked to be no escape from the circular room until she placed her hand on the mirror and felt it push outward in the shape of her hand, feeling a hand on the other side trying to pull her through. Taking hold of the other hand, she felt it pull her through the ripping bubble until she passed through it and she landed on top of Silent Bob, the two staring at one another as she took in his were lion appearance with wide eyes. She got to her feet and helped him up as well so they could get back on their merry way while Jay used a pin to pop the bubble she had just come out of, watching as it blew away quickly with the sound of consistent farting. "You'll pay for that you little pothead! You haven't seen the last of me!" Jareth cried as the bubble kept flying into the distance, sending the five of them erupting in laughter, scooping the rest of the baked goods into the pockets for safe keeping as they walked on down the path once more.

They had walked quite a way down the path, munching on their brownies as they did so and laughing at the three headed crows that they passed that squawked constantly to ask why a raven was like a writing desk as they did so. A man dressed very much like a pimp stepped out of the shadows as they passed by, his walking cane covered in blind as he made sure to stand in their way so he would not be ignored. "What it do baby boo, I need your help fo shizzle right now. See, this strange cat stole my issue of Bluntman and Chronic and I need that back. If you get it back for me my nizzles, I will grant you a wish for your troubles, all you got to do is go into that moldy castle there and get it back for me," he said, pointing to a castle on a hill surrounded by thunder and lightning. A wish was worth a lot right now thanks to the others becoming so strange looking, so Destiny knew that she had to do this in order for them to move on to the Hemp City and get back home.

They trudged up the hill, finding a tree with fat blunts hanging off of it that the others decided to pick before they continued up to the castle to get inside, which happened far too easily. There seemed to be a wild tea party going on within the castle with quite a few loud party guests and crumpets being thrown this way and that as they made their way through the crowd to find the comic book. It sat on the table, within easy grabbing range but a small mouse sat upon it with a hatpin for a sword within her tiny paw while music played loudly. She was obviously the guard of this precious item and would not be moved do easily, but Destiny wanted to get home soon, she was tired of this strange world now and it was time to leave. Looking down at Smokey the pitbull, she nodded to him and watched him tale a flying leap onto the table, running full speed at the mouse, who squeaked and ran for cover while the tin-covered Craig ran to get the comic book, shoving it under his arm as the five made their way from the castle at full speed to get away. Making their way down the steep hill, they found the pimp waiting for them, ecstatic to have his book back as he tossed them his golden lighter. "Thanks y'all, fo shizzle just tell me your one wish," he said, looking at them expectantly.

Before they could discuss it, Jay whooped and turned to the Snoop Pimp and said, "I wanna be the king of all snootchy bootchy forever." Without warning, a crown appeared on his straw head and a long flowing cape did so upon his shoulders before the pimp disappeared. Everyone stared at Jay incredulously as he turned to them with a questioning look and said, "What?"

"That wish was supposed to turn us back into ourselves again idiot, man you be tripping or something," Craig said angrily as he stomped down the golden road with Smokey at his heels. Shaking her head, Destiny followed and head Silent Bob fall into line behind her, leaving his royal majesty to bring up the rear. It seemed like miles upon miles were being walked as the men passed around one of the many blunts that they had harvested back at the castle while she ate the brownies from before along their way. The sun was blazing down on them and the hunger pangs we're getting worse from how faded they were all getting, but they could see the hemp city in the distance and knew that they were nearly there at last. They were about to break into a run when a shadow fell upon them, stopping them in their tracks as they looked up to see a fifty foot man made entirely out of kush. It growled menacingly at them, stomping towards them with a roar while they scattered back into the lines of the trees for cover.

"I ain't never seen a kush monster before but I sure as hell would rather deal with Deebo instead of that crazy weed man," Smokey growled, a bark escaping him between words before he sat to scratch behind his ears harshly. It was a challenge that none of them had expected, and with her brain working at only half speed because of the brownies she had been eating, Destiny could only start to laugh at the idea that popped into her head next.

"Duuuude, what if we just light Jay's cape there on fire and throw it at the damn thing so we can smoke him," she said, falling backwards against the tree in a fit of giggles as Bob raised a finger. Wordlessly, he produced the lighter that Snoop Pimp had given them and grabbed Jay's cape off his back to light it on fire before launching it at the Kush man, hearing its roar as the fire caught with the wind to send him up in flames. Bomb ass smoke filled the air around them, the five people behind the trees breathing in deeply as it floated through the forest floor like a rolling fog. Getting to their feet, higher than kites in a sunny sky, they were able to make their way staggeringly to the gates of the Hemp City.

"Latrice Royale sent us to see the queen!" They shouted in unison to make the gates open and let them inside at long last, tired and sweaty, higher than any time in their lives, and laughing at everything they saw as a conga line of drag Queens had them join in to sashay their way to the front where the beautiful Queen stood waiting for their arrival. They bowed before the beautiful Queen RuPaul that smiled at them and held her hand for the crowd to silence.

"Latrice told me what you need of me but there is one more challenge expected of you, for your must lip synch for your lives against five of my best divas, but I will grant you all your natural forms back to do so," she said, waving a hand to turn Smokey, Craig, Jay and Silent Bob back to their true forms at long last, though Jay was no longer allowed his crown as a result. "Good luck, and don't fuck it up," said Ru, letting the music play as she returned to her throne to watch the performance play out before her. Knowing this might be their only chance, Destiny threw herself fully into the song, wanting to go home more than she ever wanted to before, this crazy world was proving to be too much for her. It was a long song, one that seemed to go on forever before they did their grand finale and it was over st last, leaving the Queen to make her decision.

"My divas, chante you stay, and my visitors, you must now sashay away back to your home, and remember if you can't love yourself how in the Hell you gonna love anyone else, can I get an Amen?" She said, hearing them all repeat this as three different portals opened to send the five back to their homes at last once they had said goodbye. With a content sigh, Destiny was finally able to walk through the portal and back to the Los Angeles Institute once more...

"Miss Rosewood, you've fallen asleep," a voice said, forcing her to open her eyes and focus on the television where Dogma was playing for the guests to see, causing her to narrow her eyes as she got to her feet to leave and swearing she would never again stay in a room where people were getting high like that again because with dreams like that, there would never be need to fight demons again. She left with a smirk to herself and knew that she would break that promise to herself and go back to the Hemp City again soon.


End file.
